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Sep. 4th, 2008

kung pow

Writer's Block: What You'd Accomplish if Success Was Guaranteed

Knowing beforehand that you wouldn't fail, what would you attempt to do?

If I knew, with the certainty implied by this query, that I would NOT fail, I could not attempt but achieve.
That being put forth for consideration, I would cure cancer.
this has a three fold effect. One, it would help inumerable amounts of people and that's ALWAYS a worthy endevor; two, it would grant me the immortality of being the guy who cured freaking cancer; and three, I'd be comfortably secure financially if not from selling the cure (something i'm morally opposed too) but from the celebrity status and the resulting commercialism my name would have tied to it.

Sep. 3rd, 2008

kung pow

Writer's Block: Sarah Palin?

Is Sarah Palin a shrewd choice for the Republican Party, or is she a liability?

Oh ho ho THIS is a can of worms isn't it?
I will say that she is very much a liability. I don't feel this way because her 17 year old daughter is nocked up, and I don't feel this way because she's a token vagina designed to soak up some stray Hilary Votes. I feel this way because she was part of a group who were trying to get Alaska to ceseed from the union. Yes, that's right.

McCain who runs on a united america ticket has chosen a running mate who tried to get her state to become it's own country. That and her state is investigating her on ethics violations. Nice.

So yeah, I'm going with liability.

Aug. 26th, 2008

kung pow

Birthday... again.

So tomorrow will be my birthday. Again. I've suffered through 28 of these damned things allready and yet here it comes again, like clockwork.
Ok, so i'm 29. Last year before the big 30. I'm still going to need a fake ID to buy Ultra Porn.


Also, any one who lives near around in or adjacent to chicagoland or is willing to make a trip, this week end I'd like to have a dinner at Bucca de beppos. RSPV here if you're interested in going.

Aug. 9th, 2008

kung pow


Apparently, I am a victim of the reeree gene. I, my compatriots, am an official moron. On a group this lovely site hosts I had made a post and in the flurry of comments I would see the occasional reply of "this" to a comment. Now, being an inquisitive and having not seen this particular use of the word "this" I decided to make a simple inquiry as to it's use here.

I was informed that saying this was a much simpler way of saying I agree. One commenter even took the time to add in the post script of Duh at the end of her ( I assume a her ) explination to me.

CLEARLY a warranted duh. The usage of this word in this fashion is clearly superior to the way I have been bandying it about. I mean why type TWO whole words or the LENGTHY abbreviation IAWTC when this saves you an entire letter and some cases two letters AND a space. Shear genius.
I mean, the next time I decide to agree with someone I can just nod and sagely declare "this" in the fashion of a scholarly fellow. I could just say "this" during the next meeting with my boss or the next paper where I agree with the point presented by the author I'm writing about. Why write a 12 page paper when I can hand back a post it note with "this" written on it.

Of course, these people I deal with, these morons will have no clue as to what I'm talking about. I'll have to go into a lengthy explanation of the superiority of this "This Method" as I've dubbed it. And the explanation will invariably be quite complex and in depth. I suppose.. to avoid a complex way and keep things simple I could go back to I agree.. or hey, here's a shot in the dark.

how about mother fucking DITTO. One extra letter I know but It's worth the price of my stroke I think. I mean for fucks sake.

In twenty years will we be degraded down to poo flinging imbeciles grunting monosyllabic responses to each others meme's and blogs? Will entire conversations be summed up with a twitch of the eye and a incomprehensible mumbling of a word that us old bastards with out love of language used to recognize but in this new context have become confused and afraid?

Not me, I'll not live to see that day. I'll have long been killed during my bloody rampage of vengeance as by Grabthars hammer and the sons of Worvan I attempt to avenge the English languages slow strangulation and rape by the internet.
kung pow

The Clam! Oh for the love of Lucifer, The Clam!

In the "booze box" section at the end of the cooler at my local petrol station they've begun stocking a large can of what is labeled "chelada". This concoction bu anheiser busch is a mixture of Budweiser (blech) and Clamato (bluh) with lime (YUM) and salt (ACK). Now... I've heard of Chelada before. I've always known it as a beer with lime and salt with something spicey mixed in. hot sauce or something. Tomatoe juice with a shot of tobasco or worstershire is odd but drinkable.
the introduction of tomatoe juice laced with CLAM JUICES... that's down right lovecraftian.
Yes Lovecraftian is a word. I just used it.

So, as curious as a pooka on sunday (despite it being friday) I fought the urge to buy and subsequently try this dubious mix.

until tonight.
Perhaps it's my sleep deprived brain telling me aww come on TRY IT. Perhaps it's the fact meg is away for the week end and with out her I've no good sense to avoid the shell fish liquor combination. Perhaps the jaunty can looked appealing more than usual to me. doesn't matter, I bought it, open ed it, and am at this moment trying to drink it.

While not something I'd drink often (or possibly again) this is potable.
I'm not dying. Yet.

Aug. 7th, 2008

kung pow

The trial of the Mystery Cup

I'd developed a bad case of leavsies. I left my phone on the counter at a gas station, I left my soda in the fridge at work, I left my psp in my truck ON and in the front seat.
Retrieving the phone I saw they were selling Reeses cups for 2 king sized for two bucks. Sweet!
So I bought them and opened the one pack and immedietly set to scarfing one. I set the remainign three cups in their long wrapper on the console between the bucker seats of my truck.

I dropped my wife off at the train and on my way TO the train I ate another, and noted they were melting fast. So I went in to work to get the soda and as I got back in the car I saw a lone cup melted and liquid sitting miraculously on top of my psp un spilt when I got back in the truck.

I snatched it up and scarffed it up. As I drove away I did the math in my head. one.. two. three.. where.. I checked the wrapper finding it empty.
Looking around I was praying I hadn't sat in it. So, blindly I begin groping around.

Well, long story short I found the cup. However I found it by smashing it with my hand.
Bad news, squished cup. good news none of the chocolate got on the upolstry. amazingly enough.

But I still have NO IDEA how those last two cups got out of the wrappers, placed so far apart in the truck and DIDN'T SPILL their melty chocolate.


which of you bastards did it!?

Aug. 6th, 2008


Attack of the Frog

On my desk next to my computer monitor I have a little five gallon hexagonal fish tank. It was originally filled with a swarm of little spotty and stripy fish named danios. Overseeing the swarm was one giant striped danio. In addition to the swarm was a plecostomus catfish, and a small african dwarf clawed frog.

In the beginning the frog, who was named Hermes, would share the fish flakes with the swarm. Eventually he graduated to nibbling the algae disks I put in for the cat fish. From there he grew to being able to fit the entire disk in his mouth, forcing me to put two in. One for him, one for the catfish.

Now only Hermes, the giant danio, and the catfish remain as he's graduated into eating the little fishies one by one.
just this morning I saw him with the giant danio's head in his mouth, the danio trying to wriggle free and eventually escaping.
Seeing it I viewed how I'm going to die. Eventually he's going to grow so large that he climbs out of the tank and swallows me head first.

You've all been warned. Once he's big enough to devour me, none of you will be safe either.

Apr. 16th, 2008

kung pow

(no subject)

I've been pretty bad about posting lately. I've just been sick and unfit for any sort of pleasant company. I suppose I could have vented some sort of catharsis here but honestly, I doubt very highly if any one is interested in reading the half mad ramblings of a delerious fool. 

Of course, in retrospec, I suppose that would be no different than the majority of my posts. 

Heh. Regaurdless I'm feeling better and should be posting again as regularly as the interweb demiurges allow.

Mar. 5th, 2008

kung pow

A Day of Mourning

Gary Gygax is dead.
I think I'm more saddened by the fact that no one I know seems to care than the fact he's passed on.
Even I am being pretty blase about the news. It's not that he won't be missed but how old WAS he? I mean, when it's your time, it's your time, you know?

We'll miss you Gary.
Lot's of love.

Feb. 27th, 2008

kung pow

Movie Madness part 2

Movie Repost as my car crash news seemed to superseed the movie quote game.
come on guys. you can do it.

 1. Pick 10 movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess where the quote is from.
4. Fill in the film title once it's guessed.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search

Movie One~
Person One:  [On the phone with Person Two] Who is this?
Person Two: I won't waste your time: you don't know me.
Person One: I know everyone, and I have all the time in the world.
Person Two : Ah, the folly of youth.

Movie Two~
Person One: Well, if you give me a couple minutes of your time, I got a few things I'd like to talk to ya about. You know, eh, what you did wasn't really your fault. It's what you call, a eh, genetic defect. Mom called it the, the gene. My Grandfather had the gene, he eh, came over from the boat from Ireland in 1912 and I guess he passed it on to my Old Man. My Old Man was a great guy, a real pussy cat, you know hard worker. Big sports fan, but sometimes on his way home from the docks he liked to stop in with the guys and have a couple of beers, ya know. I remember coming home from school one day, and eh, the whole house was dark. Couldn't figure it out. I heard my Mom crying off in the dark someplace, and I was old enough at that point I could reach the light switch. I turned the lights on, and I saw, what he did to her. So I went to my room and I got, the eh, baseball bat. Mikey Mantel model my Old Man give me for Christmas, and I found the Old Man passed out in the bathtub, and I tattooed him. Needless to say, when I came home everyday from school after that, the eh, house is lit up like Ebbet's Field, and the Old Man eh, never drank again. So all I'm saying to you is if you wanna drink, you go ahead and drink. But if I ever find out that you laid your hands on that little girl again, me and Mr. Mantle are gonna pay you a visit my friend.

Movie Three~
Person One: We have a Die Hard Situation developing in the Kitchen.
Person Two: What's happening?
Person One: Well, either he's going to whack 'em with a rolling pin or bake him a cake. I don't know. Could go either way with this crew.

Movie Four:~
Person One: ...I bet you guys got a lot of stories, right? I don't. I grew up soft with the private schools and the little blazers, you know, and everyone "talked things out," you know? No one ever threw any blows - still to this day, never punched in the face, imagine that. I'm pretty much a pantywaist. I don't say this to be self-deprecating, I just, you know, don't have much of an opinion of myself. I'd much rather be like you guys, you know, bar fighters and big, swinging dicks, takin' care of shit. You know, sadly this is it, you know, it's disgusting - "Thanks, God! Dog-pile of piss-poor physique on top of a small cock and hereditary alcoholism, 'preciate it!" I'm babbling, I do that drunk, please forgive. 

Movie Five~
Person One: Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!

Movie Six~
Person One: Food for five years, a thousand gallons of gas, air filtration, water filtration, Geiger counter. Bomb shelter! Underground... God damn monsters.

Movie Seven~
Person One: Lou. Give me a milk. [Dramatic Pause] Chocolate.

Movie Eight~
Person One: You don't need a license to drive a sandwich.

Movie Nine~
Person One: Some one's trying to kill you. 
Person Two: Who?
Person One: Me.

Movie Ten~
Person One: thank you for saving my ass back there. 
Person Two: You're Welcome. 
PErson One: Of course when I tell that story it'll be the other way around.

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